I don’t usually spend my time feeling envious of NTs. But sometimes, I just want to be normal. I want to have a normal life with normal relationships. None of these things seem possible for me. I either end up with people who find me mysterious. It doesn’t work out. Or people who find me unsettling. It doesn’t work out. Moreover I feel like a car crash who can’t have a normal settled relationship like other people.
More recently I have discovered that I probably have ADHD like my second youngest daughter. This adds to everything else the realisation of why it’s almost impossible for me to be organised. My head can be a scrambled mess.
I’ve spent the last two years trying to have a relationship with a man who I actually love and want things to work with. It has been nothing short of heartbreaking trying to negotiate this task. He’s 11 years older than me but brings this up frequently. Our life goals are different, our outlooks are different. Hell, even our political standpoints are different. If one of his children was severely autistic, he told me. He would have had them adopted. I don’t actually believe this but it’s still not something I wanted to hear. He finds me unsettling because I just don’t seem strong or confident enough. I need to be looked after. I’m childlike. And I don’t laugh at the same things.
In the midst of all this, we had a baby. She’s a lovely little thing. I love her so much that it hurts my heart. As I do all my children. Obviously the situation is now more complicated than ever.
He says we won’t work out but he also cannot seem able to let me go. This has always been the case. It leaves me confused, feeling unworthy. And, in truth this situation is shredding my self esteem.
I end up wondering who I am or what I’m doing in this relationship. Waiting around to see if he becomes more consistent with me. He never does, he just tells me how even though he loves me I don’t make him happy enough. Then later apologises. Rinse and repeat…
I have lost myself in the process of this whole thing. And I can’t help thinking that if I wasn’t autistic, I never would have. I would have found the right person in the beginning. Life would have made more sense. I would have a secure home life. Or maybe not….